It's a . . . . . .

GIRL!!

We are so excited to announce that we will be having a little princess join our family in September. And mommy and daddy couldn't be more excited!

The time had finally come to go to our ultrasound. We were both so anxious all day! But surprisingly the day didn't drag by thanks to keeping busy.

When we got there we didn't even have to wait, they took us right back. They had me lay down on the table and started.

Well there was good news and bad news. The good news is that the baby was holding still and in a perfect position for them to get the measurments. The bad news was it that I had to hold still and couldn't watch for the first little bit. Torture! But it was fun seeing Cory jump up from his chair and stand at my feet with amazement as he watched the screen.

Finally after the measurements they turned the screen to me and I got to see what was going on. We got to see the spine, the face, hands, legs and feet. But our little stinker decided that she was going to be modest! Her foot was up in the way! So after some shaking and moving we were able to determine that she was a little lady. So here's hoping we don't get a big surprise on her birthday! Or we'll have a very spoiled little guy with lots of pink!

Everyone there was so excited for us. Daddy Cory COULD NOT wipe the grin off his face. He was beaming! Daddy's little girl on the way!

We then went out to our car and called family and friends that were anxiously waiting to hear the news. It was so fun to hear everyones excitement.

We celebrated by going out to dinner at Ruby's Diner right there by the Midwifery. I swear we were both on our phones the majority of the time when we arrived still updating people. It was so fun to be able to go out and celebrate our little miracle.

It's a Girl!

Our skeleton baby

Playing with her tongue

Hey it's Mothers Day!

Well not a whole lot has happened since my last post. Just same old life. We were able to take a nice break on a Saturday and go to the beach with friends. We really are spoiled to live here!

It was nice to get out and do something fun. I feel like all we do it work, work, work. Weekends are my favorite! It was a little breezy and chilly, but we still managed to get sunburned. You'd think after 28 years of living that I would learn. Oh well. Luckily I am still able to fit into my swimsuit. You sure could tell that I had a belly going on. We had to get a swimuit shot (sunburn and all) when we got home. Please excuse the weird face (sadly this was the best one we got. Haha.)

I feel like my belly isn't really growing that much. Everyone is SO surprised when I tell them that I am around 5 months. "You are so small! Are you eating?!" No, I like to occassionally starve myself. I am waiting for the day for my belly to just freakishly pop out like crazy. It fluctuates. Some days you can really tell, others it's back to flat.


Mothers Day was so fun. This was the first year that I could actually kind of celebrate it. I got a sweet card in the mail from a family friend for being a Mother-To-Be. I didn't even know they made cards like that. It was a fun surprise.
That morning after I was ready for church, I came down to this:

My husband is the best. I love him so much!
Church was so nice. For the first time I didn't feel awkward getting the little 'gift' they give you. I always felt stupid when they give you one and you aren't even a mom yet.
During the 3rd hour we had a luncheon in the Cultural Hall with all the women and a special lesson. It was fun to meet new people and EAT!
After church we took our scenic route Pacific Coast Highway home. It's so fun that we can go that way home from church. I love just driving by the ocean and not even feeling obligated to stop.
After coming home and passing out on the couch for a while, we went up to our community pool. It was perfect and barren. I thought there would be a lot of people there. But we had the whole place to ourselves! Well except for these guys:

The pool was too cold to swim in. So we mainly just sat in the chairs and enjoyed the sunshine.

Baby still has been kicking like crazy! Cory has been able to put his hand on my belly and feel it. It's so amazing and weird to experience that!

Well tonight we find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I am SO anxious. We are both so excited. Here's hoping our little baby isn't modest at our appointment!

MC . . . Not Hammer

So since I've been trying to be better at writing this blog my mind has been racing with ideas and things that I want to write.

I've been thinking a lot about the first time we got pregnant and how it sadly ended in miscarriage. How it was such a difficult time for us.

It is such a taboo subject. Why? Sadly it happens VERY often, but no one really talks about it. Therefore leaving people (women) feeling sad, alone, & confused. So you know what, I AM going to talk about it. So if you really don't care or don't want to hear about it, move along. But I want to talk about it for me and for anyone else that might be feeling this way.

Cory and I have been married 6 years in March, and as expected we were asked ALL the time when we were going to have kids. I will be the first to admit that I absolutely hated it. Yes, I realize that it is human nature to be curious and excited for people, but like I said, I hated it. Why is my ability and need to procreate always on the forefront of peoples mind? We were having the time of our lives traveling and being happy just the 2 of us. You always know and hear about the people that have children right off the bat, and are very unhappy and wish they would have waited (Now I realize that is not always the case. I am just using this to make a point.) We loved having our us time and used it to the fullest!

So when the time came for us to seriously consider this big decision, we decided on OUR terms.

Cory was out of town, and I decided to once again see if the pregnancy test was + or --. It was +! I called Cory ecstatic. Finally! I sent him a picture of the test and we just could not believe it. I'll admit I was a little bit in trouble for not waiting for him to come home. :) Reality was hitting. Holy crap we are going to be parents!

Cory came home a few days later and I took another test just to make sure. + again! Woo hoo! It was a Saturday so I had to wait until Monday to make the first official doctor's appointment.  

Being a typical Saturday we decided to run errands. I was feeling extra tired and just kind of weird, but didn't think anything of it. It was getting late and we were heading home. Cory had 1 more errand to run, but I had him drop me off. While he was gone I discovered that something indeed was not right. Cory came home and I was freaking out. Now I am a very shy girl. And trying to find a girl doctor at 9:00 PM at night is not an easy task. Cory was calling around like crazy. We finally found one at a hospital about 15 minutes away. So we headed on our way.

When we arrived they did all the typical stuff. Blood draw, exam, ultrasound, etc. Oh it is such a joyous time getting poked, prodded and feeling like your stomach has been karate chopped numerous times. We were waiting in the room which seemed like forever. Then the nurse came in and told us that yes we had lost our little baby and the ultrasound showed nothing. Wow. I can't even describe what I was feeling. It happened. It happened to me. Everything the nurse said to us was a blur. The only thing that I can remember clear as day was "Oh don't worry. Just try again." Ok, now I realize that they see this ALL the time. And as I have learned that is how you have a baby. But who in tarnation wants to hear that?!

The drive home was probably the quietest ride we have ever had. I couldn't stop thinking, crying, and hurting emotionally and physically. I was also worried because I was supposed to teach that next day at church. Ha! That's not going to happen.

Sunday I pretty much just stayed in bed. I shut the world out and felt sorry for myself. I had the right. I called my mom that morning and sobbed to her. We were going to wait until we went home for Thanksgiving to tell everyone our exciting news. So no one even knew that we were trying to get pregnant, let alone expecting. 

 I was supposed to be back at work that next morning. I was going to continue with life. I woke up, showered and that's about as far as I got. I cannot do this. I called my manager to just 'call out' for that day. Oh boy, was she in for a treat. I couldn't even get one sentence out. I was a complete basket case. And for those of you that know me, I don't cry. Luckily I was able to get the rest of the week covered. Cory was so sweet and worked at home and stayed with me as well. We tried to go do fun things and be happy, but anything would set me off and basket case returned.

Slowly time went on and things got better. But it was especially hard at church. No one knew and those who did didn't say anything or acknowledge me like I was desperately needing. We live in a mostly University ward, so about 90% of the women in the ward are almost always pregnant. Ouch! There were a few times I had to excuse myself to my car to cry. Why? Why can't we just have 1 baby?

My follow up appointments were less than ideal. I felt like the doctor could have cared less to see me. My appointment was so quick and I literally had to follow her out into the hall because I wasn't done asking questions. What do I do now?! I came home from that appointment almost more upset than when I went. I was expecting the full 411 about why this happened and what to do next. Nope. I was in and out.

The final punch to the kidney was the bills. Oh the bills! They just kept coming in. Just adding salt to the wound. Now wait a minute, why do I have to pay thousands of dollars for no baby? Some people don't pay anything to have a baby. That REALLY bothered me. I struggled with that for quite some time. We tried to get financial aid from the hospital, but were denied. There was nothing that we could do but pay the bills. They sure are friendly folk over at the financial department. Ha! One lady was even so kind to extend our monthly payment plan by 1 month! Oh you shouldn't have, that's just too kind. Bleh! That's the struggle right now. We are paying for 2 babies at the moment. But you know what, it's life. And you just keep on trucking. So for all you high rollers out there, if we only order appetizers because we ate before coming out to dinner, now you know why. Ha ha!

We pretty much just kept this low on the radar. I don't know why, but I was embarrassed that this happened and didn't want anyone to know. The reaction I got was 50/50. Many people were kind and loving. One of my best friends from Utah sent me a cute little care package. That meant the world to me!

 But there were a few knuckleheads that needed a good towel whip to the back. Ok folks, basic knowledge 101 - What not to ask someone or do immediately following a miscarriage:

1 - You do not need to know the details. And don't ask, especially in a public setting.

2 - Ask "When are you guys going to have a baby?"  Are you kidding me! (And was fully aware of our misfortune)

3 - Joke with me about how much more *wink wink* I get to have to get pregnant again.

4 - And so on.

You might be shocked to know that yes, these did happen. And yes, people are bone heads.

Even though this was an extremely difficult thing to go through I had to look back and wonder, what did I learn from this. I can now say this months down the road. I have gained a great amount of compassion and empathy for anyone that goes through this. I remember it happening to people before and not really knowing how they felt and what they were going through. I have become better at not asking people when they are going to have children. I never thought of that question from a broader perspective before. What if they can't? What if they HAVE been trying for a really long time? Or what if they are going through something terrible right now as well?  I'm so grateful for my loving husband. It was just us out here in California dealing with it together, and I think it brought us closer. He is pretty much the cats pajamas and my favorite cool dude!

If I told you I'd have to kill you.

 Well I finally shared the news with everyone (via FB. That's considered everyone right?) And I couldn't be more thrilled with all the love and support we recieved. Not that I wouldn't think that everyone would be excited, but I have been so hesitant to share anything in case 'something' happened. But as my awesome Cory said, 'Why hold off sharing exciting news with friends and family 'just in case'?'
 Well this past week was exciting. We experienced our first California earthquake. I guess it was a small one to California standards (3.9) But it was still exciting and the highlight at our house for a few days. :)
We had a meeting with our midwifery this week too to go over some concerns that we had. I have been worried that I made the wrong decsion and have nit picked every little thing. Cory was great and able to come with me and ask questions. They made us feel very comfortable and happy. And I'm so glad Cory made me go and speak with them.
We were able to go up to LA and do a Hollywood sign tour, stalk celebrity houses, drive Rodeo Drive, and just wander the Higland and Hollywood area (crazies alert!). It was so fun to be able to get out and do something random and fun. I feel like all we do is work. So it was a nice break. We got some fun pictures and I realized that my belly is starting to get really noticeable. I still can hide it a little bit, but not much. I don't know why, but I am a little embarassed by having a gut. Is that normal? Haha. It was ok at first because I subconsiously suck in my stomach all the time. It was annoying when we'd try to take the early pictures and could never really see it because I was sucking in without noticing. But now I can't really do that anymore! I think I did get my first pity though thanks to my little belly. It was pretty warm and I was exhausted. So we stopped at a little courtyard and I sat down on a big planter in the shade. A little bit later a security guard came up to us and told me I could not sit there. The moment I stood up she then told us that there were chairs further in and even shaded ones on the lower level. Yes! Lindsey - 1. And I'm sure the points will keep adding up as time goes on. It's been funny to see people that I know notice my belly and do a total double wide eyed take, but who is going to ask me? It's so funny to know what they are thinking, but I never say anything, and then to hear them later talking to someone else about me. I've become quite the mystery.
 Working every day is getting very tiring. I keep trying to truck along, but I am so exhausted every night. I wonder every day how much longer I'll be able to do both jobs. Hopefully I'll be able to hold on as long as I can. I have been looking into different options for working at home type jobs for when baby comes, but haven't really found anything that jumps out at me. So if anyone has any suggestions that'd be great.
 Baby still has been kicking like crazy! I love it so much. We are so grateful for this exciting time in our lives!

Hollywood!
Perfect shirt for our Rainbow Baby.

Wow I'm terrible at this!

Wow! Well I just plain suck at this blogging/journaling stuff. Today is April 22, and I have not written down one thing. So I will try to bring you up to speed.

My first trimester was relatively easy compared to some. I didn't have any morning sickness. I did feel gross and really tired, but no pukies. I had bronchitis or something for like a month. So that was my first trimester sickness. But I will take that over vomiting any day!

We decided that we are going to go the natural way and have our baby with a Midwife. Call me crazy, but we are super excited about it. We found 2 great places that we had a really difficult time deciding. But we finally chose one and have had 2-3 appointments already. Nothing too exciting yet. We still don't know the gender. We had an appointment for our first ultrasound on May 3 but had to reschedule it somewhere else for May 15 (thanks outrageously expensive medical insurance)

I still have been super nervous about the possibility of miscarriage and something happening. But a good friend suggested that I could rent a baby heartbeat monitor. It has been the best thing ever. I have gotten really good at it and can find it every time. And baby's heart is getting mighty loud! It was even fun for Grandma and Grandpa Avery to hear it over the phone.

I have just been finally looking like I am pregnant and not just fat. Which is a plus. And now people know. We went home the first weekend in April and broke the news to our families! It was great. You know it's good when people cry. :)

I finally bought my first pairs of Maternity jeans last week and they are the best.  I can still fit into my old pants but holy awkward. It is so weird and amazing how my body is changing and growing. I am still doing dog walking every day. I'll admit it is exhausting but I really think it has been helping a lot.

This week I have been feeling movements! Cory was able to feel a tiny little kick tonight and it was awesome. We are so excited for what's to come!

Just barely growing!

Easter 2012 Picture I sent to my Mommy

Newport Beach Temple 4/22/2012

Exciting News! But kept on the DL for now.

Well on I had a feeling that something was up. So on Jan 23 I decided to finally find out, AM I PREGNANT? We had been through this a few months prior, but sadly it ended in miscarriage. I never knew how losing something so small and that I hadn't even met could hurt so much. I guess you could say that I was hurt by how some people treated me when this happened. Not bad, but I guess somehow in my mind I expected everyone just stop and mourn with me. But it's such a common occurance, it's kind of just left up to you. Luckily I was able to get some time off of work and just feel sorry for myself. Cory was great and helped me along the way and stayed strong for both of us. It was hard not having family here, so crying over the phone was the next best thing. It was hard to come to grips with the fact that people who I felt didn't 'deserve' to have a baby were having lovely healthy babies, and I wasn't. And that we got bombarded with pricey pricey hospital bills with nothing to show for it, while others get to have babies without it costing them a dime. It took me a while to be grateful for what we have and that we are blessed. I am so thankful for great friends and a loving husband that buoyed me up with great advice and love. So naturally this time around I have been a little leary. I went to our local CVS and bought a test. And I remembered the last time I did this Cory was away on business, and teased me for not waiting for him. So I called him to see when he'd be done with work. 3 more hours! Ah man! The suspense was killing me!

Later that night, the time had come:

We both could not believe it! We were both freaking out with excitment and nervousness!

The next day I called the doctor and had a blood test. The results came back and everything looked like it was moving along fine. I have my first appointment and ultrasound in a few weeks. I about died when they told me it was too early to come in. So far I feel pretty ok considering. I am just super tired and lightheaded a lot with the occassional headache. I am trying to brace myself with how much my body will be changing. Call me shallow but to me it'll be a huge shock! So as of now, goodbye 'normal' Lindsey, bring on the baby!