MC . . . Not Hammer

So since I've been trying to be better at writing this blog my mind has been racing with ideas and things that I want to write.

I've been thinking a lot about the first time we got pregnant and how it sadly ended in miscarriage. How it was such a difficult time for us.

It is such a taboo subject. Why? Sadly it happens VERY often, but no one really talks about it. Therefore leaving people (women) feeling sad, alone, & confused. So you know what, I AM going to talk about it. So if you really don't care or don't want to hear about it, move along. But I want to talk about it for me and for anyone else that might be feeling this way.

Cory and I have been married 6 years in March, and as expected we were asked ALL the time when we were going to have kids. I will be the first to admit that I absolutely hated it. Yes, I realize that it is human nature to be curious and excited for people, but like I said, I hated it. Why is my ability and need to procreate always on the forefront of peoples mind? We were having the time of our lives traveling and being happy just the 2 of us. You always know and hear about the people that have children right off the bat, and are very unhappy and wish they would have waited (Now I realize that is not always the case. I am just using this to make a point.) We loved having our us time and used it to the fullest!

So when the time came for us to seriously consider this big decision, we decided on OUR terms.

Cory was out of town, and I decided to once again see if the pregnancy test was + or --. It was +! I called Cory ecstatic. Finally! I sent him a picture of the test and we just could not believe it. I'll admit I was a little bit in trouble for not waiting for him to come home. :) Reality was hitting. Holy crap we are going to be parents!

Cory came home a few days later and I took another test just to make sure. + again! Woo hoo! It was a Saturday so I had to wait until Monday to make the first official doctor's appointment.  

Being a typical Saturday we decided to run errands. I was feeling extra tired and just kind of weird, but didn't think anything of it. It was getting late and we were heading home. Cory had 1 more errand to run, but I had him drop me off. While he was gone I discovered that something indeed was not right. Cory came home and I was freaking out. Now I am a very shy girl. And trying to find a girl doctor at 9:00 PM at night is not an easy task. Cory was calling around like crazy. We finally found one at a hospital about 15 minutes away. So we headed on our way.

When we arrived they did all the typical stuff. Blood draw, exam, ultrasound, etc. Oh it is such a joyous time getting poked, prodded and feeling like your stomach has been karate chopped numerous times. We were waiting in the room which seemed like forever. Then the nurse came in and told us that yes we had lost our little baby and the ultrasound showed nothing. Wow. I can't even describe what I was feeling. It happened. It happened to me. Everything the nurse said to us was a blur. The only thing that I can remember clear as day was "Oh don't worry. Just try again." Ok, now I realize that they see this ALL the time. And as I have learned that is how you have a baby. But who in tarnation wants to hear that?!

The drive home was probably the quietest ride we have ever had. I couldn't stop thinking, crying, and hurting emotionally and physically. I was also worried because I was supposed to teach that next day at church. Ha! That's not going to happen.

Sunday I pretty much just stayed in bed. I shut the world out and felt sorry for myself. I had the right. I called my mom that morning and sobbed to her. We were going to wait until we went home for Thanksgiving to tell everyone our exciting news. So no one even knew that we were trying to get pregnant, let alone expecting. 

 I was supposed to be back at work that next morning. I was going to continue with life. I woke up, showered and that's about as far as I got. I cannot do this. I called my manager to just 'call out' for that day. Oh boy, was she in for a treat. I couldn't even get one sentence out. I was a complete basket case. And for those of you that know me, I don't cry. Luckily I was able to get the rest of the week covered. Cory was so sweet and worked at home and stayed with me as well. We tried to go do fun things and be happy, but anything would set me off and basket case returned.

Slowly time went on and things got better. But it was especially hard at church. No one knew and those who did didn't say anything or acknowledge me like I was desperately needing. We live in a mostly University ward, so about 90% of the women in the ward are almost always pregnant. Ouch! There were a few times I had to excuse myself to my car to cry. Why? Why can't we just have 1 baby?

My follow up appointments were less than ideal. I felt like the doctor could have cared less to see me. My appointment was so quick and I literally had to follow her out into the hall because I wasn't done asking questions. What do I do now?! I came home from that appointment almost more upset than when I went. I was expecting the full 411 about why this happened and what to do next. Nope. I was in and out.

The final punch to the kidney was the bills. Oh the bills! They just kept coming in. Just adding salt to the wound. Now wait a minute, why do I have to pay thousands of dollars for no baby? Some people don't pay anything to have a baby. That REALLY bothered me. I struggled with that for quite some time. We tried to get financial aid from the hospital, but were denied. There was nothing that we could do but pay the bills. They sure are friendly folk over at the financial department. Ha! One lady was even so kind to extend our monthly payment plan by 1 month! Oh you shouldn't have, that's just too kind. Bleh! That's the struggle right now. We are paying for 2 babies at the moment. But you know what, it's life. And you just keep on trucking. So for all you high rollers out there, if we only order appetizers because we ate before coming out to dinner, now you know why. Ha ha!

We pretty much just kept this low on the radar. I don't know why, but I was embarrassed that this happened and didn't want anyone to know. The reaction I got was 50/50. Many people were kind and loving. One of my best friends from Utah sent me a cute little care package. That meant the world to me!

 But there were a few knuckleheads that needed a good towel whip to the back. Ok folks, basic knowledge 101 - What not to ask someone or do immediately following a miscarriage:

1 - You do not need to know the details. And don't ask, especially in a public setting.

2 - Ask "When are you guys going to have a baby?"  Are you kidding me! (And was fully aware of our misfortune)

3 - Joke with me about how much more *wink wink* I get to have to get pregnant again.

4 - And so on.

You might be shocked to know that yes, these did happen. And yes, people are bone heads.

Even though this was an extremely difficult thing to go through I had to look back and wonder, what did I learn from this. I can now say this months down the road. I have gained a great amount of compassion and empathy for anyone that goes through this. I remember it happening to people before and not really knowing how they felt and what they were going through. I have become better at not asking people when they are going to have children. I never thought of that question from a broader perspective before. What if they can't? What if they HAVE been trying for a really long time? Or what if they are going through something terrible right now as well?  I'm so grateful for my loving husband. It was just us out here in California dealing with it together, and I think it brought us closer. He is pretty much the cats pajamas and my favorite cool dude!